School Happenings

Broadcast Exercise Competition (广播体操比赛)

A few weeks ago my afternoon class was cancelled – over half my students would instead take part in the “Broadcast Exercise Competition.” I had no idea what that was so I walked over with the remaining kids to the stadium to watch the spectacle.Fullscreen capture 11282017 92441 PM.bmp

This was a competition for the freshmen only, in which the choreography is literally just stretching. In unison, the students bend and reach their toes, swing their bodies side to side, and lift their knees up to their chests. Every team is required to use the same song – it’s a very communist propaganda sounding piece, with uplifting horns and flutes and reminds me of theme songs from Pokemon Stadium and Zelda, if CCTV were to mash those tunes together to use before announcing some dramatic, breaking news headlines.Fullscreen capture 11282017 92509 PM.bmp

We also happen to hear this tune on the loudspeakers EVERY MORNING, five days a week at 9:55AM, when the first period is over and students walk to their second class. The lyrics are also limited to counting:




1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8!

2, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8!

3, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8!

And so on (up to 8, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8!), for several minutes to different tempos. (double time!!)Fullscreen capture 11282017 94843 PM.bmp

So now there is a two hour contest with hundreds of 18 year-old teenagers do the exact same choreography, something they could have memorized in kindergarten. Part of me is thinking this is really dumb and reinforces all these negative stereotypes about Chinese youth and their propensity to conforming to others/ lack creative thought, but then part of me is just grateful that afternoon class was cancelled.  Fullscreen capture 11282017 92541 PM.bmp

From the back row of the bleachers, my students and I still have our fun. We give ridiculous nicknames to each team. Above is a photo of Team Scrambled Eggs and Tomatoes 番茄炒鸡蛋Fullscreen capture 11282017 92614 PM.bmp

Here is Team Egg Whites: 蛋白 in all their yolk-less glory

And my students in the English Department- ready to be served with a steak and potatoes – Team Carrots and Peas (萝卜豆苗)!!  Fullscreen capture 11282017 92644 PM.bmp

The next day I ask my kids how they did. They laugh.


“Second to Last Place!”

Speech Contest

Our Wednesday nights have been busy- there are a variety of English-based contest requiring the expertise that only Peace Corps volunteers can provide. Some evenings are more successful and enjoyable than others. You can see with the speech contest that the students were given a wide range of intellectually stimulating topics to cover:Fullscreen capture 11282017 92807 PM.bmp

  • My Vision of Beautiful China
  • Big, Big World and Big China
  • China in my Eyes
  • China on the Rise
  • China in my own Eyes
  • China – a new face in the world
  • The magical China

There is no room for debate- the communist party is doing an excellent job and we are all fortunate to be sharing in the success of the Chinese Dream!!! To think otherwise makes you an ungrateful, Japanese-loving, delusional self-loathing piece of garbage!!!

Judging the speech contest is a chance for me to practice “Miss Universe Face”- sit with good posture, smile politely, and clap robotically for 90 minutes. I also am required to ask follow up questions for each contestant:

“How has China’s growth improved your daily life?”

“In Beijing we had Olympics and now One Belt One Road… and China is strong, yes, and the Shanghai Expo in 2010 with many visitors from around the world… and the economy with China, and then political, yes -”

“Okay great! Thank You!!”

English Drama and Stage Play

On the other hand, the English drama/ stage play (话剧) competition is much more enjoyable and relaxed. The kids seem genuinely interested in putting together something funny and creative, and instead of working off pre-selected topics glorifying the leadership of China, they get to choose their own stories to portray.Fullscreen capture 11282017 93350 PM.bmp

The students come prepared with a set of costumes and props. I’m always surprised when my seemingly timid and shy students can stand in front of 100 people and deliver a hilarious skit, behind the anonymity of a fairy tale character, or physical mask.

Highlights included Snow White and the 7 Dwarves, the Emperor’s New Clothes, Little Red Riding Hood, and the a scene involving the Monkey King.Fullscreen capture 11282017 93404 PM.bmp

One phrase commonly repeated throughout the night in various dramas: “I WILL KILL YOU!” I think everyone is secretly drawn to violence– its human nature to love bloodshed, and now the kids have their chance to dabble in a bit of imaginary murder.


To celebrate Thanksgiving, my sitemate Michelle and I took the opportunity to invite a group of sophomores to come and cook for us. They got a roast chicken, made “coca-cola wings” and an assortment of dumplings (everyone makes / wraps dumplings differently – like fingerprints or snowflakestruly unique). Michelle did the mashed potatoes and corn, and I put together some semblance of string beans and quinoa.Fullscreen capture 11282017 93505 PM.bmp

Everything was delicious, to varying degrees, and the wings and potatoes were easily finished by the end of dinner. The quinoa not so much, and the string beans even less so, so I have a lot of work to do before the next Thanksgiving!Fullscreen capture 11282017 93619 PM.bmp

Michelle also made a killer dessert pudding made of purple yam (called ube), and we had a blueberry cheesecake from Breadtalk.Fullscreen capture 11282017 93608 PM.bmp

Overall I have a ton to be grateful for in 2017- too many people, things, and events to list out… Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!


Halloween “Party”

The English Association hosted its annual Halloween party Tuesday night! First, it’s important to note that all school “parties” I’ve attended thus far have never included dancing or socialization; in actuality they are talent shows. In most of China, there are no Middle School dances or High School proms- just a lot of studying for the College Entrance Exam; it’s a real pity an entire generation of kids never learned to relax and get loose and have a good time.Fullscreen capture 1132017 84630 PM.bmp

The Halloween party is an event that’s most enjoyable if the adult attendees (AKA me and my site-mate Michelle) show up moderately drunk. I learned my lesson from last year, when I made the fatal mistake of sitting through 90 minutes of student performances completely sober.

My costume this year is “Masque of the Red Death”, the titular character from Edgar Allen Poe’s infamous poem, where a diseased spirit enters a patrician party uninvited, and murders everyone attending the masquerade at the stroke of midnight.Fullscreen capture 1132017 84635 PM.bmp

There’s not a lot that goes into my costume except a red mask, and several large gulps of beer are enough to turn my face blotchy-red, which was just the look I was going for!

Anyway, we walk into the Halloween talent show, and the Dean is sitting in the front row, smiling. We quickly join him and take our seats, and I feel like we are judges on American Idol or the X Factor. Dean Jiang is Simon Cowell of course, so I guess that makes me the non-threatening, overweight black producer, and Michelle gets to be the unsuccessful crossover-Latina popstar.Fullscreen capture 1132017 84622 PM.bmp

The show does not disappoint.

The first performance is a hip hop dance. The music turns on, and the instantly recognizable – nay, iconic – shouting of Lil’ Jon blasts through the auditorium.


Michelle and I laugh uncontrollably. Dean Jiang is genuinely curious about what we find funny [he speaks perfect English, but can’t quite pick up on these cultural niceties the same way we can]. I feel like these kids choose songs without even bothering to check the lyrics, and in that sense their irreverence is pretty awesome… a part of me hopes they intentionally picked Lil’ Jon to see what they can get away with – which would make them way cooler and more rebellious than I imagined.Fullscreen capture 1132017 84643 PM.bmp

A while later, Michelle and I have to perform our duet (Peace Corps volunteers are always expected to participate): we are singing “How Far I’ll Go” from Disney’s Moana, which is basically the poor man’s “Let It Go” from Frozen.“ How Far I’ll Go” unwisely uses the word ‘island’ at the end of a verse, and since nothing rhymes with island, the word is used again and again, which ruins the flow of the song. Fullscreen capture 1132017 84909 PM.bmp

Michelle does a good job singing her part, but I was way out of tune and missed the best lines of the chorus where I should have belted out some big notes (and I practiced in the shower for this too! Sad!!).

But in the end we all had a good time, and I saw some cool magic tricks performed by a magician, and a solo “Indian Bridal Dance” from my bravest freshman student, Candy. I’m not too bummed about my poor singing this time around, since I already know we will have to sing at several other events through the end of the year. This was just a warm-up – I may pull out my drunk Whitney Houston for our next “party”!

Short Stories: Table Setting, New Names, English Moochers


I put together an entertaining lesson on American dining etiquette – the highlight was asking students to come to the chalkboard and fill in a “Formal Table Setting”, drawing and labeling each item as requested.FullSizeRender (1).jpg

This was also a way to test their ability to differentiate left from right, upper vs lower, etc. (“Directly above the dinner plate, please draw a small cake fork, pointing right. Good.. no, your other right.. no, that’s a spoon.. I need a fork.. thanks!

I actually learned a lot from this as well- the difference between the salad and dinner knives, or that the white wine glass is to the lower-right of the red wine glass. (I cant remember the last time I had both wine glasses filled during dinner, and this is probably for the best its unbecoming for guests to be jumping on the table at a wedding or charity event, anyway…)

My best advice for going to an American wedding: NEVER EVER wear white, or the bride will hate you forever!!!


Earlier last month, I provided a list of names for my freshman students. Over the semesters, I’ve had so many Nancys, Graces, and Susans… pleasant names by all means but also very Brady Brunch, very 1960’s textbook English names. So I spiced things up a bit this year: I looked up a list of all the Victoria Secret models’ names on Wikipedia, and asked the girls to pick from there!Fullscreen capture 10162017 82910 PM.bmp

Finally we have many more Russian, Portugese and Spanish names in class – there’s a Gisele, an Alessandra, a Karolina, and Adriana! Guys, I’m promoting ethnic diversity in the classroom!alessandra-ambrosio-adriana-lima-gisele-bundchen-models-angels

Now you might think, “Teacher Cheng! There’s nothing empowering about naming an entire cohort of students after women who are valued solely for their bodies and not their brains! This is a huge step backwards for feminism!” To which I will response, “You’re absolutely correct! But in 2017, to point out the obvious would automatically open me to being labeled a slut-shamer, a misogynist, an illiterate, sexist troll.” (Earlier this year, a fellow PCV accused me of living in the 15th century, when I discussed with her my hopelessly archaic views on female empowerment)Fullscreen capture 10162017 82904 PM.bmp

To be fair, the Victoria Secret is enormously popular in China (a 16,000 sq ft store opened in Shanghai this year), and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the names of my list above became popular baby names in the coming years – so if anything, I’m just ahead of the curve!

English Moochers

The worst thing about being an American volunteer English teacher in China is when parents with young kids find out your occupation – their brains immediately pick up on “American” “English” and “Teacher” (and skip over volunteer, probably because they don’t know what it means) and start pleading with you to teach their kids English.

I’ve been accosted countless times by parents who are friends of a friend, and somehow feel entitled to pass off their English-starved child into my possession for a tutoring session. Chinese people are notorious for being very indirect if they need something from you– they will make small talk, ask about your health, your family, your apartment, your dating life, gun ownership in America, and after 10 minutes, maybe bring up they need a favor from you.

But when it comes to English, these parents are ruthlessly direct. Recently, less than a minute after I was introduced to a woman here in Lanzhou, she immediately pulled out her iPhone and showed me photos of her daughter doing ballet, her adorable, oh-so-eager to learn English offspring. Then she basically demanded that I teach her daughter every week. Bribed me with red envelopes (cash), dinners, gifts…

Normally, I provide an indirect answer about being too busy, or not being allowed to take side jobs, or something else to soften the disappointment of not teaching their precious itty-bitty child. But this woman rubbed me the wrong way and deserved a response equal in magnitude to her offense

Me: 我讨厌教英语!也讨厌小孩!最讨厌给小孩教英语!I hate teaching English! And I hate kids! Most of all, I hate teaching English to kids!

Mother (clearly stunned by my unexpectedly direct reply): 好尴尬啊SO AWKWARD!

Supermarket Sweeps: Mooncake (月饼) and Hairy Crab (大闸蟹)!


Autumn beckons a peculiar lineup of edibles in Chinese supermarkets. The cool weather is quickly followed by boxes of mooncakes piled high into looming towers throughout the central aisles of every grocery store, to ensure no child is left mooncake-less during the Mid-Autumn Festival

Fullscreen capture 9252017 112310 PM.bmpThese highly decorative – and increasingly expensive – gifts are wrapped in boxes made of bright fabrics, gold or metallic foil, and shimmering red tassels to give to your frenemies in your extended social circle/ managers at work, all in an effort to maintain good guanxi and social harmony.

Fullscreen capture 9252017 112318 PM.bmp(Last year many of the other volunteers received boxes of mooncakes from their schools’ staff; I received NOTHING. I tell myself it’s because I integrated and no longer need to be impressed with gifts, but most likely this is yet another grudge I’ll hold forever… It’s now September 25th as I write thisstill no mooncake…)Fullscreen capture 9252017 101437 PM.bmp

As a kid I loved eating mooncake- small pastries filled with lotus paste, mung bean, sesame paste, or red date paste. Depending on the province the cake is from, there may even be a salted duck egg yolk in the center! The cakes are pressed in intricate circular or square molds and can be quite beautiful. Sad that even simple treats such as mooncakes have become so commercialized…

Chinese-moon-festival-legend.jpgThe original of the mooncake is generally tied to a story about the moon goddess (Chang’E, painted above), but the other explanation – a more heroic, Disney Mulan-esque story – is secret messages regarding a coup were baked on the surface of the mooncakes by Han Chinese in a plan to overthrow the Mongol-ruled Yuan Dynasty.

Fullscreen capture 9252017 113628 PM.bmp.jpgBest thing about mooncake? The day after the Mid-Autumn festival, there is a massive fire sale of these pastries (not unlike Greek assets under neocon IMF auspices) and I can eat to my heart’s content!IMG_1826.JPG

Hairy Crab

This is a bit harder to find due to the scarcity of the Chinese mitten crab, but high end supermarkets will generally make room for a hairy crab display in the autumn. This is the perfect season for harvesting the mitten crabs – it is when the females are most fertile, ready to erupt with roe (eggs).20151023031152833.jpg

Rich people from Shanghai and Hong Kong go nuts for this stuff and will pay a small fortune for mitten crabs from YangCheng Lake, which are apparently the most desirable. Interesting Fact99% of hairy crabs on the market are fake! Not that they are made of plastic, but in the sense that mitten crabs from other lakes/ rivers/ bodies of water are being passed off as former YangCheng Lake inhabitants, and commanding massive premiums for the honor of bathing in a polluted lake 2 miles north of Suzhou.

1610-hairy-crab-haitienlo-main-635.jpgI guess rich people have very discerning palates- a hairy crab’s origin is as important to the Shanghainese as a sparkling wine’s is to a snooty, insecure, Hermes–hoarding Parisian. I haven’t had the luxury of eating hairy crab yet (I’m a humble volunteer, after all!) but it does look enticing…

Fullscreen capture 9252017 112009 PM.bmp.jpgIn the photo above, a 将 (general) leads his army of mitten crabs into DaRunFa Supermarket! I was pleasantly surprised to find these crabs at the local supermarket- a sure sign that Lanzhou is up and coming! We are the next big thing y’all!!!

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From the few times I made lobster rolls in previous summers, I know that crustaceans must be kept alive until just before they are cooked- or else the flesh rots very quickly. So somehow these crabs were still alive (in theory at least) despite being stuffed in cardboard boxes for days on end. I’m not in the mood for suffering explosive LDZ this upcoming month, so I left the supermarket empty handed.